My personal story how " Letter From A Battered Wife" seemed written about my situation.

My divorce took over five years. Four applications for divorce we filed in total, in three states. Two by me, and two by him. The military hid my spouse and I couldn't get him served, nor could his attorney. When he finally filed for a divorce he often falsely claimed military duties and commitments to drag the process on and he hid behind military privelige. The court never required him to provide proof, his word as a U.S. Naval Officer was good enough for them. I went through five lawyers, and $29,000 in legal bills accummulated over the years while he played his games with the legal system, which I still owe and will be paying on for a good portion of my lifetime. More on the years of divorce on another page, at another time.

When I first moved to back to the United States a friend of mine kept urging me to seek support from my local domestic violence shelter. I didn't see the need to do this since I had just left my abuser. But, my girlfriend, Sandy, could see how it was affecting me, my relationships with men, my girls and my life. The fear was still there. Most of all I feared another encounter with an abusive man. I didn't want to have anything to do with men! Not one bit. I finally picked up the telephone book and found the 800 abuse hotline number I have listed on the hotline page. They gave me a number to call in my area. That is when my education started.

I remember the first time I went to the shelter. The front door was heavy, solid, locked, and had a security camera. One could only get in by being buzzed in from the front desk only after stating one's business over an intercom. I felt very safe and secure there during my meetings. I started seeing a counselor, then I went started attending group sessions. I was limited to the number of times I could see my counselor, budget constraints. To my surprise my counselor was a woman who had also been an Officer's wife, like I was. She had suffered abuse too. She told me the Navy mishandled my case. The Navy counselors I had been going to on and off through out the years had put me in grave danger. Sometimes they would insist that I have a meeting with my abuser and my counselor. I remember this occasion well. I was terrified! I invented an excuse as to why a counselor would want to see us. This was through Family Advocacy. The counselor was a Navy Officer. He had just taken over the Abuse Group I had been attending. Previously it was run by a woman, a civilian. But, the Navy took the group from her because they wanted someone with a higher university degree to run the group. It was simply awful. There we were, a bunch of women who had been abused by men. This was an abuse group for women who had been sexual, physically, and mentally abused. Most of the abuse had been done by men. It was a mixed group, rape victims and women molested as children were included in the group.

The change in counselor was ill received by us all. He insisted that he meet my husband and that I discuss things that I had been discussing in the group with my spouse. I refused to. I was in a position where I depended on the support of my new friends in the group, and didn't want to be kicked out of the group. The only way to get into this group was to be recommended by a counselor. A civilian counselor, (also a male, but the first one to see I was being abused, and to predict the abuse would only escalate as I grew stronger through counseling), at the Family Service Center had recommenced my attending the group, which was run by a woman at the time.

So, the dreaded day arrived to meet with the gun-ho male Navy Officer Counselor. . I showed up at the Naval Hospital, (where family advocacy was located, and the group meetings held), for an appointment with the Navy Counselor with my husband in tow. I was terrified! My insides were turning upside down. I was so frightened that my spouse would find out that I had been discussing "private things" outside of our marriage. There had always been a rule that certain things I was never to discuss with another living soul, and I had violated that rule BIG TIME! Up the elevator we went. My spouse had a very grim look on his face. I just pretended I didn't know what the meeting was truly about. We stepped into the counselor's office. The counselor started questioning us, trying to get me to open up and discuss some of the abuse issues I had talked about during my group sessions. I lied! Man did I ever lie! I pretended I had no idea what the man was talking about. Every response I made was letter perfect. My marriage was fine, my husband was a good, loving husband, and a great father. I really needed to make myself a better wife, to improve myself. I was in the wrong if my spouse ever got angry at me. Of course! It was my fault. I should pay more attention to my husband. My husband said he felt we were growing apart over the years. I listened. I took the blame, and vowed to better myself. Anyhow it was a very long 30 minutes, (seemed more like an hour or two).The counselor was furious at me. Heck, he couldn't harm me! What did I care? He was asking for it anyhow forcing me to do something so foolish and dangerous! Finally it was over with.

All I remember is walking out in the parking lot to where our van was parked. I remember there was sun shining - the brightness of stepping outside from a cool dark hospital. I remember my spouse was so happy and pleased with himself. He patted me on the back and said I did "a good job!" I remember. Oh yes, I remember the lies and the heart ache. I hated that pat on my back more than I've hated almost any other touch. That pat on my back was just as good as a punch for the hurt I was feeling inside. I couldn't believe it! This was my first sign that he actually knew that what he was doing was actually in the wrong. I will never forget that moment.

I did what I had to do to survive. And so do you. I do not regret the lies I told in the counselor's office that day. The group quickly dissolved under his guidance. Friends transfered out of Japan from the group before or at about the time he took over the woman's group. Most stopped attending. I sure was not about to go back to group and hear from the counselor how I wasn't helping myselt, wasn't trying to improve, wasn't trying to work the issues out. Once again, I was alone. And, as my counselor here in Ocala told me when she reviewed my records, and heard my story, that was just one instance of many on how the Navy mishandled my case. See, the Navy doesn't have trained counselors that specialize in Domestic Violence. A counselor MUST be trained in domestic violence or they could put your life in danger. They try the regular steps in marriage counseling. Regular steps which don't work because the cards are already stacked against you. Regular works for regular men and regular women, non abusers and those who are not being abused.

There is so much more the Navy did to mishandle my case. Enough so that all my documents were censored, they took black marker and white out to cross out a major portion of information out of all my records, including counselor's names! More on this at another time, on another page. My counseling records went through three censors before they could be mailed to me. In addition my privacy was violated when I ended up in the hospital, from a physical episode of violence, and my case was once again turned over to Family Advocacy. Only this time, they told my husband that I had been in counseling on and off for many, may years -- for abuse! I didn't expect my privacy to be so violated, I felt so exposed. I didn't help any that the mighty Navy couldn't keep my spouse away from me. He was suppose to be "imprisoned onboard the ship." Confined to the ship, not allowed to leave the ship at all! Not to set foot on land! But yet he snuck home. He even refused to allow Shore Patrol to handcuff him that night at the hosptial emergency room. And, they dare not. The most they did was remove him from the hospital and take him back to his ship for "ship arrest." Some joke! More so was his position and responsibilities aboard ship. He was in a position in which he had to discipline his men for abusing their spouses, and that he did, and yet he himself was an abuser! He constantly violated orders to stay away from me towards the last few months I remained in Japan. The violence management training he was sent to was a farce! All the men did was to sit there and comment on how their wives should be getting this training, and of course they shared stories so the next time around they knew just what to do to deny any future abuse, or prevent from being caught at it again!

My spouse made it so I couldn't see my attorney at Navy Legal anymore. This lawyer my counselor from the Family Service Center had sent me to because he was so concerned over my case. Supposedly the clerks at Navy legal had made an mistake, and allowed my spouse to have an appointment with a lawyer from the same department as my lawyer was in, which is NOT suppose to happen! (conflict of interest), and I couldn't get a lawyer from the other department because my spouse had seen a lawyer there too. I was denied the right to even talk to my lawyer over the phone! I couldn't see him, I couldn't talk to him. I was totally cut off and without any help at all. All I could do was go on what I could remember from previous session with my attorney. The worst part was that I had been seeing this attorney for a couple of months at the time I was cut off. The administrative error should never of been made. It was more like political clout! He knew the ropes and he worked them, and the lower ranking guys were only all too eager to help him. You see, my spouse was a Filipino, and so were most of the clerks and lower ranking guys who did administrate duties on the Navy Base. They were most eager to kowtow to one of their own who had made it to such a high rank. In addition my spouses' family name was that of a very well known, respected and wealthy family of professionals with political clout back in the Philippines.

He could get away with things you couldn't believe! He could pull strings! Even my Navy lawyer had warned me about it. My spouse was such an old salt dog, he had been a senior enlisted prior to becoming an officer, and had been in the navy nearly 20 years. Because of that my lawyer said my spouse would be able to pull strings, and call in favors. He knew how to work the Navy! Guess WHAT! My lawyer was right. My counselor had sent me to seek legal advise so that I knew exactly where I stood regarding the abuse and the spouse and financial and support issues. Little did my counselor realize the news would be so bad. He couldn't believe it himself. But, at least we knew that I didn't have a leg to stand on, which is better than thinking you do, only to find out you don't.

By the time our case hit the civilian courts he was well versed in perjury and the laws and how to hide behind military duty. He was punished by the judge, didn't follow court orders, and never once punished for perjury, (although it is punishable through jail time, but who wants to put a military man in jail when the jails are so overcrowded, especially after the sentiment that followed Desert Storm. I had predicted my spouse would react in in a certain way that was totally unheard of by my civilian lawyer. My civilian lawyer was recommenced by the Domestic Violence Shelter in San Diego when my ex filed suit for a divorce when he transferred to Dan Diego. Even she couldn't believe that what I told her, and asked her to take precautions against could happen. And it happened, more on this on another page. She was experienced with dealing with abusive spouses. Yet even the stunt my spouse pulled was a first in the Superior Court of San Diego! The law doesn't apply to abusers. I've learned my lesson well. I have to put up with family and friends telling me there is legal recourse. Right, like heck there is! We all know the law simply doesn't apply to men who have been abusive for a longer period of time. They get wiser, and learn to work through all the loop holes. Especially if they can hide behind military duty and military orders. The courts are not prepared for abusive men who lie, and can get the navy to back up the lie through pulling strings. More on this at a later date.

It was a struggle to leave Japan. My struggle will be on another page.

The point I want to make is that when I started going to group sessions here in Florida, we were given hand outs occasionally. I have put on my web site a hand out, called Letter From A Battered Wife. I don't know who wrote the letter. This letter struck home, because my spouse had that kind of political clout and know how in the Navy. Even the Navy here in Florida, when I would go in for help at Navy Relief or at Navy legal at Jacksonville's Navy Air Staton didn't believe the things I told them because it "couldn't be so." My spouse should of been "kicked out of the Navy because Officers are held to higher standards of behavior." And since he was still in the Navy, so I was told point blank - obviously what I was telling them didn't happen.

I was not believed. And I don't even think Charlie can even begin to grasp how difficult a struggle it has been. How can a nice, law-abiding man, believe other men can do such things? I wonder. Nor can my family fully grasp the point that I can't jump up and fight back as one would from a normal divorce, dealing with collecting Child Support and Alimony. When I am employed I fear he will drag my employers into court on a whim, and that's pretty embarassing. The divorce didn't help much in that area.

Abusive men want to always been in control of you, to the point of political suicide - they don't care, as long as they have the last word. They don't mind dying for it. And they don't let go after a divorce. The important thing is that they have the last word, the ultimate control. I know my ex spouse can hire a hit man, (and yes, I have heard him dicussing hiring a hit man to go after his step dad, so this isn't just a paranoid notion!). I'm not sure what has prevented him from doing so. I'm thinking that maybe it's too much trouble, he wouldn't know what to do with the girls, or because he has another woman to concentrate his focus on. In that case, I am indeed a woman blessed. I would not want to be in her shoes, no matter how strong a woman she is, she's already fallen into the codependency trap. I feel so very sad that my freedom was bought at her expense, but then, she didn't have to be dating a married man for so many years, now did she? I guess she was conned by him just as I was. I can't imagine the hell it must be to be dating a married man, one who still goes home to his wife at night! (more on this at a later date) Still, no woman deserves to go through what I've been through, cheating mistress or not. NO WOMAN!