The Violent Marriage
A married woman's social and individual worth rests largely upon her ability to be a good wife and mother. Being a good wife includes providing proper services for her husband (and children). Therefore, her sense of self-worth depends in large part on how the recipients of her services, that is her husband and children, evaluate her performance.
When a man beats his wife he is making an explicit and powerful statement about his believe in her ability to be a good wife and to provide proper services. When he blames her for the beating, he is making an even more powerful statement about her worthlessness.
When statements of blame are repeated often enough, the woman, who initially felt that she was unjustly treated, begins to have doubts. Over time, the blame statements are made with increasing frequency and severity.
Most women go through long periods in which they heed their husbands evaluations of the relationship and they shoulder most of the blame for what happens. (This does, however, happen with considerable reluctance and a feeling of injustice.)
They seek to change the behavior that the husband has singled out as a cause of the trouble. They comply with the husband's wishes in a spirit of hope.
It is only when the efforts fail to stop the violence that the woman ceases to view the beating as a passing phase and, with great reluctance and horror, begins to view her husband as the violent one. It is at this point that she really begins to change and fear becomes an integral part of her daily life.
A few women extend this fear to all men.
Along with the view that violence will become a permanent part of her life and the growing fear, comes a reluctant loss of affection for him. Loss of affection is often followed by a feeling of hate and an outraged sense of injustice.
Feelings of fear, hate or rage are usually most intense just after a beating. This cannot be sustained at a high level for long.
Between incidents the woman tries to cope simply by ignoring the problem of violence. Eventually it becomes very difficult to forget. Because she knows the violence will probably happen again, she remains in a state of constant apprehension and depression. She becomes nervous and on guard as she tries to avoid the next incident and wonders whether she will ever be free from fear and pain.
Once this level of desperation and negative feelings has been reached, the relationship deteriorates still further. The man often makes more frequent threats to throw her out of the house and this adds to her feelings of insecurity and vulnerability. His expressions of affection become less and less and sometimes cease altogether and she reaches a state of emotional numbness.
Their sex life becomes nonexistent or when attempted is without joy for either partner.
Each successive violent episode leaves the woman with less hope, less self-esteem and more fear. The positive aspects of the relationship become weaker and the man becomes accustomed to hitting his wife and inured to the sight of her pain.
He ceases to see himself as engaging in anything wrong or injust. The woman's struggle to change the pattern of violence through adaptation in her own behavior is almost invariably ineffective. She is engaged in an impossible and false struggle; the problem of wife beating is primarily the husband's problem
As the woman's efforts fail, she becomes more and more isolated from outside sources and friends, family. This process leaves the wife with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
At this point many women entirely cease to struggle to improve the relationship. They cease to argue or defend themselves verbally or otherwise. Either they turn inward and attempt to build a protective shell around their emotions that will allow them to cope with the continuing violence or they consider that the only escape is suicide or murder.
at this point some begin to fight back.
Dobash.R. Emerson, and Dobash, Russell. VIOLENCE AGAINST WIVES The Free Press, New York, 1979.